Lyrics by Marian Partee
Music by Arthur Sullivan (“Modern Major General” from Pirates of Penzance)
The Great American Melodrama and Vaudeville commissioned and premiered the operetta, Jack and the Beanstalk, co-written with Jordan Richardson.
(The Peddler, E. BAY, hawks his wares to the audience.)
E. BAY:
I am the very model of a middle ages peddler man.
I always sell the latest, greatest items that a peddler can.
You may not think you need this stuff,
But I am here to set you straight.
(He pulls out an enormous turkey leg.)
You need this drumstick.
It is even better than the dog you ate!
My holy relics are the best.
You need a saintly nose or toe,
Or buy a few indulgences so you will not end up below.
My peasant workout dvd
Will make your buttocks nice and tight,
Or try my liposuction leeches.
They can suck out cellulite.
I’ve got enchanted broccoli
And very potent magic beans.
They’re all the rage among the rich,
As well as disenfranchised teens.
To serve you, I will always do the very most a peddler can.
I am the very model of a middle ages peddler man.
REPRISE: “Middle Ages Peddler Man”
(E. BAY sings to JACK and LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.)
E. BAY:
I am the very model of a middle ages peddler man.
I always sell the latest, greatest items that a peddler can.
Your granny needs essential oils, elderberry, goldenseal—
RED (spoken):
Has that stuff been FDA approved?
E. BAY (sung):
And all for only sixty pence. You’ll never get a better deal!
RED (spoken):
Like, no thanks.
E. BAY (spoken):
How about you, son?
(He shows JACK a bean.)
E. BAY (sung):
I’ve got the answer to your prayer:
A most amazing magic bean.
Just buy it, and I promise
That you’ll soon be seeing lots of green.
JACK (spoken):
That would be great! But I have no money to buy it.
E. BAY (sung):
I’d like to help you, Sonny,
So I’ll trade you one bean for your cow.
There’s no one else who’ll buy
This geriatric bovine anyhow.
RED:
I can’t believe you’re falling for this nonsense.
You are really dim!
E. BAY (to RED):
When you see what this bean can do,
You will not keep insulting him.
JACK:
To help me and my fam’ly, you’ve done ev’rything a peddler can.
You are the very model of a middle ages peddler man!
Review from Santa Maria Times:
“A hilarious take on the classic fairy tale… The operetta with hysterical lyrics by Marian Partee and Jordan Richardson are set over classic operatic melodies…With timely dialogue, the cast has great fun skewing the current financial crisis and other pop culture and headline-making icons. It is almost like the dialogue was written that day, the humor is so current… A great evening for the entire family and should not be missed.”
~Brad Memberto